But every day is complicated. And today was no different. I packed up my office in a box, cleaned out my drawers, and deleted the history on my computer. But I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I told Lisa, hey, today is my last day. Keep my number, let's have a beer. She has a big secret that she's struggling to keep. And even I don't know what it is.
Today I woke up, knowing that I would once again procrastinate in communicating with my parents. Actually, I shouldn't say 'procrastinate,' but let's just say I knew I still wouldn't be ready. But I owe my friend Megan props, because, in response to an email he sent me on Wednesday, my dad will find this in his inbox on Monday:
I know this may seem like an unhealthy way of dealing with things, but I've come to a point where I've realized that my priorities and boundaries need to be adjusted. Things in my life are finally changing and I just need some time to get things figured out. That may seem like a lot to ask, but unfortunately this is not the kind of thing that can be rushed.
My conversation with Mom in July was a real eye-opener for me. Despite its brevity, it brought to light the stark contrast between who I am and who she is. Respectfully acknowledging those differences while coming to terms with my anger has been quite challenging. I don't think she realizes how hurt I was by her intimations, and garnering the energy to re-confront the situation has been an exercise of Herculean proportions. While I've gotten much better at mitigating the things I take personally, I am still quite a sensitive person.
I am fortunate to have very supportive friends who've tolerated this "drama", and who've been able to shed light on why this has been such a difficult situation for me to motivate myself to resolve. I guess what I need to ask of you is this: speaking as an unbiased party, how would you suggest I move forward without necessitating an apology from Mom? Looking at that as a rhetorical question, I'd suggest that I can't expect an apology and I've got to figure out a way to get over this without one. And it's been hard doing that because I don't ordinarily feel anger. It stopped coming naturally to me a few years ago and so now it's just really uncomfortable and confusing. I've had to ask myself - how much of this is me, and how much is her? And no matter what angle I look at it from, I have no answers to those questions. That is where I'm coming from, and that is why this time and space are really important; because I have to get over the hurt I feel and figure out a way to get over it (faster) the next time without asking her to contribute to the healing process.
The bottom line? I feel I have to get over this without talking about it with Mom because I'm afraid talking with her about it is only going to result in me being labeled 'melodramatic,' which is how the conversation ended in July. Having my feelings diminished in such a way was an immediate roadblock for me. It was incredibly disrespectful and I didn't deserve it, especially when I was trying to tell her how I was feeling.
I am not asking for your intervention; the last thing I wanted was to involve anyone other than Mom or myself. But since you've taken the time to offer your help, I suppose you could lend some experienced advice on how to proceed.
I hope your Thanksgiving and anniversary are happy and healthy.
And today, I discovered why Snoop Dogg is so obsessed with gin and juice. When made with Odwalla Superfood, it's de-lish!
What a great day.