Friday, November 16, 2007

Avoiding Vitamin-G

So, right now, I'm sitting in my living room, on the couch, watching TV on the internet because the TV would make too much light. Why, you ask? Well, please allow me to explain...

In the summer of last year, I started playing racquetball with my neighbor, Gavin. I had always thought he was kinda cute and was generally interested in a vague, if-nothing-else sorta way. We began our hot, sweaty racquetball sessions which were so intense that I'd be laid up on the sofa for the rest of the day. So, yeah. They were a bit arousing. But we were strictly platonic. Until the symphony. He asked me to the symphony like "hey, I got an extra ticket to they symphony. You wanna go? You know. Huh?" All cute and awkward like. So, I dressed up like a hooker and we sat up in our balcony box and watched the Eugene symphony. And that was our first date.

But I didn't really get that date vibe from him. There was nothing about it that said date and he certainly didn't kiss me afterwards, so how the heck is that a date? I was confused. And on our first date. Over the next month or so, we continued to go out to dinner and watch movies at my place, no funny business. Around our tenth date or so, I started thinking that we weren't dating because he still hadn't tried anything. And then it just happened. We started fooling around on the couch one day. I can't explain it, but we were watching "Panic Room," and we just started messing around and then he left. That's it. No second or third base action. Just smooching and cuddling. Weirdness.

I should pause to explain that I'm used to a much more aggressive approach. I'm used to guys leaping on me at the end of the first date. And I'm not saying I'm that sexy, just that I'm easy. And I like sex like most people, so, you know, I'm always up for it. Especially if I dig the dude okay but I can't see him in future family photos. Which is how I felt about Gavin.

At the time we were dating, I was still thinking that I'd really like to have kids one day. So when Gavin made it clear to me that he "doesn't believe in children," I knew we would never work together. That, and, he's the stingiest motherfucker I've ever met. Let me explain this briefly as I further digress...

I didn't pay for the symphony ticket. He did. But I paid for dinner. Because when we got the check, he stared pointedly at it but didn't make a reach. So, I offered to pay. Of course, he accepted. When I expressed my interest in going to the movies on a Sunday night, he put me off stating that there'd be too much traffic. (Traffic? On a Sunday?) When I asked him to pick me up at the airport, he asked me for $10 for gas. Ugh. I have dated only one guy who was cheaper - the guy who, prior to taking me out to dinner to celebrate a promotion I'd gotten, came over to my house and asked to use my computer to check his account balance he was afraid he'd overdraw. (The following weekend, that guy lost $400 in five minutes at the blackjack tables.)

Anyways, that night on the couch, I noticed that Gavin had developed a nasty rash. Actually, you can't even call something that mangy a "rash." It was a crusty, scabby, red, inflamed open wound along the inside of his lower arm. I asked him what he was using to treat it and he said tea-tree oil. I said WHAT??? I told him he needed to be using something that would actually decrease the inflammation and promote healing. You know, like soap and water. He finally went to the doctor who told him he had eczema and got some antibiotics which made him sick. Unfortunately he neglected to tell me this. He was sick for a week and didn't call me or write. Completely incommunicado. And by the end of the week, I (reasonably) deduced that he wasn't interested in me, began seeing someone else and told Gavin to bite my ass. He took it like a man, no discussion.

Over the last year, he's made the occasional contact. He's always been the person I've asked to get my mail whenever I go on vacation. I don't know any of my other neighbors, so who would I ask if I didn't have Gavin?

Recently Gavin has reinitiated contact. En masse. He will not quit. Emails, phone calls, let's go to the movies, you wanna hang out, hit me back if you're interested. Ugh. Only now I'm really not interested. Ick. Eczema? Gross. (Just kidding.) I don't know why I'm not interested. Wait, yes I do. He's cheap, boring, old, doesn't want children and is obsessed with politics. Oh, and I'm not even getting to the part about the vitamins. That's for another blog. And I thought I'd gotten my point across but then last night he said he'd call me today after he got home from work to see if I wanted to get together.

I don't. Does this need saying?

I probably should say that, GODDAMMIT. WHY CAN'T SOMEONE BE INTERESTED IN ME WHEN I'M INTERESTED IN THEM? I have two crushes right now, and neither one of them is Gavin. [For Meg, Ali, and Kelly: one of my crushes is another Jeff!!]

Back to my story. I don't want him calling tonight. But I don't want to totally alienate him because I need someone to get my mail when I go on vacation! So I turned off all the lights in my apartment so he'll think I'm asleep. It's 7:30 p.m. Do you think he'll fall for it? What will I do if he does call? Why am I doing this? Could I be any more pathetic?