Sunday, October 21, 2007

Jesse's Girl

I dated this guy once, three-and-a-half years ago. I fell in love with him, but I never told him so. Mainly because I knew we couldn't be together. He never said he loved me, but I know that he did. We split up because, well, I'm a very complicated woman (as my last [idiot] boyfriend told me) and Jesse was just too simple to understand me. I guess at the time that's what I'd expected. Which was wrong. But he should have at least tried. I mean, right?

Jess and I kept in touch after we split up, occasionally backsliding into the old routine, until the day he'd bend me over the kitchen table, service himself like a Clydesdale and call it great sex. Reminded of why we'd broken up to begin with, I'd then start ignoring the text messages. After the last backslide which left our friendship in ruins in April of last year, we stopped talking. That is, until Robert died.

Jess and Robert knew each other casually. The three of us had worked together at one point, and they were each what the other wanted to be. Robert was charming, funny, and witty. Jesse was successful and responsible, and could hold more alcohol than an illegal whiskey distillery. So when he heard that Bob had died, he whipped out his cell phone, and instead of calling, sent me a text asking if I was alright. We attended the funeral together and had a few beers a couple of days later, but smartly avoided falling into bed together, probably because I had a boyfriend that I was nuts about.

Since then, Jess continues to check in every couple of months. I ran into him at a baseball game in July where he was with a young woman who looked as if she were trying out for a local high school cheerleading squad, and he looked a little less svelte than he used to. Oddly, I had developed a similar state of out-of-shapedness. I got a text from him in July which I ignored, determined that he was a waste of my mental space and I was resolved to purge him from my life.

Tonight I got another one.

I'm in a bind. I miss him. Sort of. I miss the sex when it was good. I miss how our bodies fit so well together when we were spooning [do you have any idea how hard it is for a little woman like me to find someone who fits me?!?] . I miss how he always said I understand him better than anyone. I miss how he used to tell me how I wasn't like any other women he'd ever known. I miss feeling like I was that one special light. That one special person that no one would ever live up to. He was the only guy that ever made me feel that way.

I need him out of my life. Right? I'm confused and I don't know what to do.

Jesse's got to go. But I can't let him go. I've still got his fucking TV.