Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Women Will Translate Automotive Concepts Into Daytime Metaphors

"Torque is a measure of rotational push. So, like, if you're in your car in fifth gear, you're getting more torque and going much faster. But if you're on a ten speed bike going uphill, you'd get less torque and be going much slower. See? It's a matter of gear ratio."

"I don't get it."

"A person with really long arms can put out a similar amount of torque as a stronger person with shorter arms."

"So, does that mean that Regis Philbin can spin the A-Glo-Go wheel as fast as Bryant Gumbel?"

Friday, April 20, 2007

I May Be Canadian, But He's Not

The other day my sweetie and I were discussing foods we like and dislike. In recalling that conversation today with a coworker, all I could really remember was that he doesn't eat mayonnaise. (I mentioned this as I bit into a roast beef sandwich...on whole wheat just slathered with mayo.) I took a mini-poll around my workplace. You know, because I don't have piles of other work to do. As it turns out, there are a helluvalot o' people who don't eat it. For a wide variety of reasons:

"I'm allergic to eggs."

"I'm a vegan."

"Mayonnaise does weird things in the summer. Like on a hot day when it's been sitting on a picnic table for two hours in the blazing heat. It kinda gets a little...um...icky."

"It reminds me of that time my husband and I had to go see the fertility specialist."

"Do you know what that stuff is?!? Like, eggs and vinegar, dude! Gross!"

Then someone asked me why I eat it and my response was this:

"It's a lubricant."

I am right, people. Just admit it.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Top Ten Reasons Why I Love Naps

10. I have nothing better to do.

9. My dad makes it look easy.

8. My pillow gets lonely and whiny when not in good company.

7. I live in a rainforest and it's cold and dark.

6. The active ingredient in a large cup of coffee is only "active" for so long.

5. There's no better cure for boredom, depression, hunger, irritability, PMS, cancer, constipation, religion, Republicanism, and schizophrenia.

4. Chamomile.

3. I am practicing for when they make sleeping with my eyes open an Olympic event.

2. Because 14 hours is a long time to stay awake.

1. Sex dreams.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Second Gear

Gunny Boy,

A strangeness has evolved. Such a short time has passed...you are still very much real in our hearts and minds but our bodies tell us to move on and cease our mourning.


Today I panicked. I was listening to
that song by A Perfect Circle and I heard your voice behind me. I heard the things you used to say...or were they things I have made up in my head that I really, really need to hear from you right now? I still see men in the hallway. They have your features and my eyes perk up. I actually believe, for a split second, that you might be there. I have actually caught myself asking me, "could he really be alive?" Then I feel humiliated that I would think something so foolish.

We are finally able to laugh at each other, but not at our memories of you. We've become numb. People avoid talking about you. It even makes my friends uncomfortable when I talk about you, despite how much I love remembering you and all that you were. It's as though they feel ashamed to not be able to indulge in your memory, when really all they should feel is joy for me, having been able to experience you and all you were to us. It's so odd to have everybody look at me with their eyebrows pressed together to say, "how've you been doing..." in complete sincere sympathy, but never saying the last part, "with Robert's death and all?" The one thing I long to hear from everyone is a memory of you. The last time you talked to them, Kenny Loggins.


I'm not losing it...re-learning to drive a stick shift in your Cavalier, that weekend at Crater Lake, my depression after Memorial Day 2004 when you held that ice pack over my sunburned forehead, Christmas 2005 and the two "sweaters," shaving Thisbe's butt and how we laughed over that (we had good cause), how little bro lusted after my car, and how you taught me to shake chili out of a can without using a spoon.


I rack my mind for these memories every day. But I also work not to cry. My throat becomes paralyzed almost every time. Sometimes it's difficult to breathe. Sometimes I wonder how it's possible that I've moved forward without you. You made life so much easier and so much harder at the same time.

And so once again,
my dear Johnny, my dear friend,
and so once again you are fighting us all.
And when I ask you why,
you raise your sticks and cry and I fall.

Oh my friend how did you come,
to trade the fiddle for the drum?

You say I have turned
like the enemies you've earned.
But I can remember all the good things you are,
and so I ask you please,
can I help you find the peace and the star?

Oh my friend what time is this,
to trade the hand shake for the fist?

And so once again,
oh America my friend,
and so once again,
you are fighting us all.
And when we ask you why,
you raise your sticks and cry and we fall.

Oh my friend how did you come,
to trade the fiddle for the drum?

You say we have turned,
like the enemies you earned.
But we can remember all the good things you are.
And so we ask you please,
can we help you find the peace and the star?

Oh my friend we have all come,
to fear the beating of your drum.

Friday, April 13, 2007

First Dates in Retrospect

Questions never to ask:

"What do you read when you're in the bathroom?"

"So, exactly how many divorces are we talking about?" (You probably don't want to know.)

"What's your minimum balance?"

"Was that you who just farted?"

"Would you like an Altoid?" (He'll think you're suggesting that he has bad breath. Besides, he's responsible for maintaining his own personal hygiene. Just don't kiss him if he stinks.)

Questions always to ask:

"Exactly how many illegitimate children are you paying for?"

"Boxers or briefs?"

"What side of the bed are you?" (This is a deal-breaker for some, so get it out of the way.)

"You got a prison record I should know about?"

"Do you watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force?"

Things never to do:

Order that third double-vodka martini, no matter how early in the evening it is.

Reassure him that with every date the two of you have, he'll find more and more reasons to lose respect for you. (I actually waited until the third date to pull this idiocy.)

Wear your favorite 3" heels to go hiking in the mud.

Wear a liquid foundation that doesn't match your natural skin tone.

Drop acid before you meet up with him.

Things always to do:

Show cleavage and don't hide your booty.

Brush your teeth. Kitten breath is absolutely unacceptable, even if there's no kissing to be done.

Feel sexy. You may have to wax your privates, but whatever.

Smile.

Be honest.

    Tuesday, April 10, 2007

    Top Ten Signs That I'm Turning Into My Mother

    10. I've finally realized that what I thought was a reasonable sized purse is now waaaay too small.

    9. I can see my pores in the mirror without leaning over the counter.

    8. I can fold flaps of skin over each other, and if left there for a protracted period of time, could manage to culture my own dermatophytes.

    7. I have more anti-aging creams than eyeshadows in my cosmetics kit.

    6. I hate wearing high-heels, no matter how sexy, fabulous, wonderful, beautiful or incredible they make me feel, and no matter that they can turn me into a woman of 5'6".

    5. I go to bed at 9:45.

    4. I love watching "Live with Regis and Kelly."

    3. I am shocked at how little clothing girls these days are wearing.

    2. I've started saving up for Botox.

    1. Three words: bunions, bursitis, and hemorrhoids.

    Monday, April 09, 2007

    Top Ten Reasons Why...

    ...You Would Run a Red Light in Your Piece of Shit Truck and Almost Cause Me to Crash Betty Into It:

    10. You ran out of your Prozac and your pharmacist is as incompetent as mine is.

    9. You don't have liability insurance and are suicidal.

    8. You saw I just upgraded to the new superlight halogen headlights (this morning, actually) and wanted to see them break before I even get to use them.

    7. You've never seen an airbag deploy.

    6. You just got your pathetic $200 tax refund and have to get to the Safeway customer service counter to cash it before they take their 3-hour break.

    5. You thought I was napping (as I usually am) because I was in a zombie-like state listening to Clark Howard.

    4. You didn't think you had enough Natural Light in the fridge to get you drunk but at least you managed to make it it halfway through the case before you made your next beer run.

    3. Your crank dealer was standing on the opposite corner and you thought you could make it across before I got to the intersection.

    2. You figured you'd use my car to strip the rest of the paint off of your beat-up jalopy, you crazy clod.

    1. You knew I had to pee really bad.

    Thursday, April 05, 2007

    Limbo

    Gunny Boy,

    Saturday it will be six weeks since you've been gone. Your memory is fading. Even so, I talk to you every day. I speak your language. I promise not to use any words I learned from Wordsmith because I know you hated it. "It's superficial and boring."

    We have interviews all day tomorrow to find the person to fill your shoes. Their feet will never be big enough. And they can't heal our hearts. They can't hold us like you could. They can't tell us, "don't fret none," and look us in the eye as you wipe the tears away. They can't squeeze us so tight and never let go.

    I'm sorry I took you for granted. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I know it hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't try to be closer to you, but you had your life, and I had mine. I don't think you had any regrets either. I think you and I always knew we'd love each other forever, if nothing else, because we knew all of each other's secrets. And you died with mine.

    There will never again be anyone like you in our lives. There will never be another smiling hero.

    Are you still hanging out?