Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Like That Kid In Elementary School Who Had to Buy His Clothes at the Goodwill

All day today I've been using a tiny yellow binder clip to keep my pants up. When I put them on this morning, I realized they were dragging on the ground and riding really low right on my hips. When I looked in my full-length mirror, I saw that they were hanging off of my ass and there was this huge clump of fabric where my butt should be. I was swimming. I'd had these pants tailored about six months ago, but since then I've lost about 7 pounds in addition to the 3 I've lost in the last 2 weeks since I've been sick. I tried using a belt, but since there aren't any belt loops in the back of the pants the belt slips off of the waistband and my pants sag even worse. Hence, I've been relegated to using a binder clip.

Now ordinarily I'd be happy to admit that I'd lost weight. But I guess that was tempered by the fact that I know those 3 pounds are just going to get put right back on. Mainly because, well, if they don't, then my clothes won't fit. That would be a true travesty.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine's Day Ruminations

I think Valentine's Day is one of those holidays that was invented for the sole purpose of making single people feel shitty. It is similar to most other holidays in that it has an elitist facet: couplehood. Only couplehood is one facet about which most people have little choice. That and, many people who choose to celebrate it have partners who don't.

Nevertheless, like New Year's, I've had quite a bit of luck on past Valentine's Days. Last year, for Valentine's Day, I went to Ashland with my then-sweetie and spent 3 nights in a B & B. One night, after we had our first and only fight, he gave me a beautiful necklace. I gave him a lame tie and a tie bar and we broke up two weeks later.

In 2004, I went to Las Vegas with ex #6 for 36 hours, got stupendously hammered, flew back, and slept for the entire next day.

In 2003, ex #4 and I were starting to patch our relationship up when he was deployed to the Middle East. That was a sucky, sucky Valentine's Day if there ever was one.

In 1996, being the cash-poor college student I was, I spent a good amount of the day on February 13th making a batch of disgustingly rich brownies as my gift for ex #1, then went by his house the next day to surprise him. It was then I found out that not only did we not have V-Day plans, but he was playing hide-the-testicles or some other testosterone infused sporting event with his friends. I was a crazy teenager, so I called him, oh, 10, maybe 12 times that day; each call went unanswered. Until, at 11 p.m., just as I'd finished crying myself to sleep, I hear a knock on my bedroom window. He handed me a note with an amazingly sweet apology. Retrospectively, he should have gotten dumped like wiseguy into the East River, but I forgave him, and we continued to torture each other for another year.

The best Valentine's Day ever was in 1999. I had just started dating a guy a couple of weeks earlier that I'd met at a concert I was at with ex #1 (see above) and ex #2. I didn't yet know that he was an asshole, but I would find out eventually. Anyway, he was from Kansas City so he knew where all the really great haunts were. He got us reservations at an incredible restaurant and then...don't pass out when I say this...we went ice skating. It was the most romantic date of my entire life. At one point, we got separated out on the rink. A few minutes later, I looked over and saw him teaching some little hussy how to skate! I snickered, decided that two can play that game, and gathered up my nerve. I clumsily skated over to two cute guys that were leaning up against the opposite side of the rink. I explained to them that I was needing to make my boyfriend jealous because his attention had been divided so if they would please smile and laugh at whatever I said that would be really great. They played along, but probably because I was smiling and blushing. Before I even finished my sentence, ex #3 was at my side and swept me away across the ice. I smiled and winked at the guys and went on about my date. I loved that we could play little sweet jokes like that on each other. But I think if there had been any hard feelings, they would have been erased by what I did to him in the car on the way home.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Yet Again I Shed Tears

If you haven't already seen this stop-motion short, I recommend you spend the next 22 minutes with a cold beer or a cup of tea in front of your computer doing just that. I don't care what kind of person you are, you will love this one. Tonight I watched it for what is probably the fiftieth time, and again found myself crying belly laughs.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Ode to My Inbox

Silly, bastard inbox
How dare you be full again today?
I worked so hard to empty you out
The whole goddamn time I was here yesterday.

How can a cheap piece of plastic
Cause rage in me so deep
I feel my hackles rise
And my nails dig so deep?

You vex me with your smirk
As I approach the office door
You deserve a good hard beating
With perhaps something dimensionally two by four.

Evil, oh, evil evil freakish inbox
How I seek to malign you to my friends
But alas, they refuse to believe me
And my please of mercy go on without end.

You are like a prostitute
Letting strange people fill you with objects that I do not want
But I am not your pimp, I take no commission
This, I should make my daily mission:
To create my world where the inbox cannot be such an affliction.

A paperless world where faxes and interdepartmental
envelopes serve no purpose but as trash can fodder.
You shall assist me in giving life to this new world,
My paperless Xanadu shall be your daughter.

A world where correspondence and paper
Need not the services of a courier
But are transmitted electronically
Through a waste-effective computer.

Oh, silly, bastard email inbox...

Monday, February 05, 2007

Unedited Photos of the DSLR Neophyte


The horny puffin.

It would probably make a good birthday present.

Another pickled food I'll never eat. They just keep adding up.

I call her 'Harley.'

Sea pens are so much more photogenic than Bics.

I think I'll keep trying.