Friday, April 13, 2007

First Dates in Retrospect

Questions never to ask:

"What do you read when you're in the bathroom?"

"So, exactly how many divorces are we talking about?" (You probably don't want to know.)

"What's your minimum balance?"

"Was that you who just farted?"

"Would you like an Altoid?" (He'll think you're suggesting that he has bad breath. Besides, he's responsible for maintaining his own personal hygiene. Just don't kiss him if he stinks.)

Questions always to ask:

"Exactly how many illegitimate children are you paying for?"

"Boxers or briefs?"

"What side of the bed are you?" (This is a deal-breaker for some, so get it out of the way.)

"You got a prison record I should know about?"

"Do you watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force?"

Things never to do:

Order that third double-vodka martini, no matter how early in the evening it is.

Reassure him that with every date the two of you have, he'll find more and more reasons to lose respect for you. (I actually waited until the third date to pull this idiocy.)

Wear your favorite 3" heels to go hiking in the mud.

Wear a liquid foundation that doesn't match your natural skin tone.

Drop acid before you meet up with him.

Things always to do:

Show cleavage and don't hide your booty.

Brush your teeth. Kitten breath is absolutely unacceptable, even if there's no kissing to be done.

Feel sexy. You may have to wax your privates, but whatever.

Smile.

Be honest.