Monday, January 01, 2007

Conversations in My Sleep and Other New Year's Happenings

Saturday while having lunch with my friend Tina, she asked me what my New Year's resolutions were going to be. The whole New Year's resolution thing is a superstitious tradition that I have never followed, and I've also never wanted to commit to something I knew I couldn't follow through with, so I've never had resolutions. As we were talking, though, the perfect one occurred to me. But, exactly 24 hours later, I couldn't remember what it was. I frantically called Tina and left a message on her voice mail. "Tina I can't remember what that fucking resolution was!! The only one I've ever made and I don't remember it!! Help!" After exchanging
several calls, I remembered it. I had resolved to bury my remote control and only using the actual buttons on the TV to turn it on and change channels. In retrospect, it seems like a really dumb resolution to have used 10 minutes of airtime trying to figure it out.

A couple of years ago I decided that no matter what happened to everybody else, I would always have me. While I find the holiday times to be the most fun when spent with friends (note I did not say "and family"), lately I haven't been averse to enduring certain occasions that are most profitable when accompanied, sans entourage. So, this year I opted to stay at home alone for New Year's rather than trying to guilt one of my poor girlfriends into extending me an invitiation to go with her and her sweetheart to some event where there are most likely to be an overabundance of couples, (overtly-in-love-with-each-other couples) especially in my immediate vicinity. I don't believe this is the first New Year's Eve I've spent alone, but I don't remember the last time I did it, so I was either too drunk, or it was...well...not memorable. I doubt this year will be any different, but at least, well...I've got me. I can't say that I have no New Year's Eve memories:

~I have spent exactly 4 New Year's Eve's mid-coitus at the stroke of midnight. (Pun intended.) I am the luckiest person in the world to have experienced this 4 times, and especially so since one of them (1996-1997) was when I was absolutely crazy in love and it was our first time together.

~I have had exactly 2 New Yeard Day hangovers. And yes, both of them were the day after the coitus mentioned above.

~Two years ago in San Diego, I kissed 3 guys, two of which I really didn't know, to ring in the New Year.

Here's a few fun things to do on New Year's Eve when you're alone:

~Watch for last minute Craigslist personals postings. People tend to get extra desperate when they realize that if they don't hussle, they are going to be entering 2007 solo. I don't answer them, but they're funny because sometimes a person can get pretty clever when absolutely panicked.

~Open a little bubbly. It's okay to drink alone once in a while, and alcohol is absolutely required on a day like today. Besides, it's okay to waste part of a bottle of champagne when it only cost $7.

~Buy new lingerie. A lot of new lingerie. At your new favorite lingerie store.

~Engage in some SSB. (If you don't know what this is, you really need to watch more HBO.) I can't give any specifics because the 'S' is the 'secret' part of the acronym.

~Cook food with a TON of garlic. After all, nobody's going to smell your breath.

~Watch a really wacky corny chick movie. I didn't do this because Netflix vindictively didn't send me one, but I haven't really been into that genre lately so much as the foreign and intellectual ones, so I was happy anyway.

~Say a fond farewell to that really cool 2006 calendar that you are likely to never be able to actually throw away because it's so damn great.

Several of my past relationships have come back to haunt me in the last few weeks. First, I hear from ex #5 (see this post). He subsequently T.M.ed me on Christmas day to say "Marry [sic] christmas!" He was never one to use exclamation points, so he was either really blitzed or else he hit the '1' key too many times and then hit the 'send' button before realizing he'd used the wrong punctuation. I can't possibly convey the profound irony in the misspelling of the word 'merry.' Nevertheless, I chose to remain incommunicado for fear or making my life more complicated than it needs to be. Ever since we last parted ways, I've always wanted to think of him as having nothing to offer me but some I.V. saline to ward off a hangover and a dose of Versed in the instance that I wasn't loaded enough to forget a one night stand. But propanolol works just as well, and nowadays I neither drink excessively or have sex with random strangers, so the aforementioned remedies are unlikely to be of any use. Therefore, I remain incommunicado.

On the same day, Christmas, ex #3 T.M.ed me the same thing, but with the flagrant use of the word "honeybunny," at the end, which was a mockingly stupid nickname that my friends (ex #4 et al.) had christened me with during a drug and alcohol induced haze in 2002. Retrospectively, it would have been cute, but it's now 2007, and ex #3 is my employee. Tuesday at work I politely reminded him about certain boundaries that need to remain in place, primarily because I am his boss, but also because we aren't on those terms anymore. That and, I really don't want that nickname to get spread around.

However, ex #3 took vengeance on me by appearing in my sleep the night before last. Fortunately, nothing sexual happened. We had a long conversation about regret. Not in relation to each other, but particularly about his regrets about his current relationship. Then, we decided to trade vehicles, and I ended up driving his Jeep which was converted into a push-button convertible, in the rain on the highway. I had to raise the cover, then latch it down using these rusty handles under the front visors. Why I didn't pull off the highway to do this, don't ask. I lost my grip, slipped across the seat, and ended up flipping the jeep. I assume I totalled the Jeep and died because at that time I woke up. I hope this isn't 2007 forshadowing.

I have to say I'm really looking forward to this year. I'm turning 30, paying off my car, getting a huge REI dividend, and taking $1700 worth of tax deductions from my charitable contributions. In the last year, I've learned how to work a normal day schedule and have given my diet a complete overhaul. In the last 2 years I've been to Philadelphia, Chicago (three times), Cleveland, Orange County, Seattle, Kansas City, Atlanta, Denver, and Sioux Falls. In the last 3 years, I've gotten 2 promotions, met a ton of great people, many of whom are now my friends, bought my house, and successfully pulled my head out of my ass. I would say I have a lot to look forward to.

Happy New Year to you and yours. Have a happy and healthy one.