Friday, November 24, 2006

21 Mea Culpa

This is not a suicide note. Nor is it related to any 12-step program. But, there are a few folks I owe this to. Some I could tell in person, and perhaps I will...someday.

To Mrs. Rydan: for falling asleep in first grade math class.

To Renee Slemin: for that horrible thing Kelcie and I did to you in Mrs. Jackson's fifth grade class.

To Justina: for not keeping in touch, even though you tried.

To Joni: I could never figure out what happened with us.

To Kami: for all of the incidents involving or relating to that guy you dated our freshman year at LHS. You'll never know what a loss you friendship has been to me.

To Debby: I don't blame you.

To Joey: for the lie that I told that could have rendered nightmarish consequences had it fallen into the wrong hands.

To Mike: for never wanting to be your girlfriend, and for never telling you.

To Bobby: for ending it the way I did. Even after all of these years, I still remember you as my first love.

To Stuart: for not dumping your ass the second you told me I was fat.

To Matt: for not understanding how much you really cared for me, and for constantly taking our friendship for granted. Also, for not being honest with you.

To Dr. Craig Martin: for killing all of those plants by forgetting to water them.You still gave me an 'A' and that meant the world to me.

To Drs. Jocelyn Hulsebus, Venus Ward, and Patricia Hargraves: for always being late. I couldn't explain to you how messed up I was, but I think you was me struggling to get through it. Thanks for your patience and understanding.

To Kori: for acting the way I did after Mike's wedding.

To Spencer: for never choosing whether to love you or hate you.

To Dave: for not celebrating your newfound love, Rachel.

To Julie: for procrastinating on getting in touch with you again, and for not being there for you after you moved to Parsons. I will be calling you very, very soon.

To Jolene: for never waiting even though you said not to. Sometimes, your orders need to be disobeyed.

To Nancy: for making you feel as though we are sometimes married to each other. I really love you, hon, but I want a divorce.

To Gavin: I'm sorry...I can't...don't hate me.

To Mom and Dad: for screaming profanity down the block at a neighbor boy; for getting caught naked and in the act in 1996; for wrecking my car in 1999; for quitting; for the D's I got in high school Spanish and math freshman year (the college D in Organic is my trophy, though, and it gets no apology); for riding on the hood of that dummy's car in 1992; for smoking; for complaining when you asked me to watch Tom; for not being home on time and getting grounded; for treating you like a bank; for not telling you I love you every day since I learned you could hear it; for not loving you just because you loved me.

To myself: for everything I ever believed I could never be. Today is a new day because I think I'm finally getting to know who I am, and I am all that I never was.